“Mille Lacs” is French for “1,000 lakes”.  This is a pretty accurate description, since Mille Lacs sprawls over 132,000 acres–about the same size of 1,000 small lakes, and it has been estimated than when it was at its peak in the 80’s that the walleye population was as high as 1,200 per acre, which equated to a walleye population of over 15 MILLION WALLEYES!  Fast forward to the 20-teens, and the population has dwindled to less than a tenth of that number.  No one seems to know for sure who or what is to blame for the decline.  Could it be over-fishing by sport anglers?  Maybe spearing and netting by Native Americans?  Global warming?  Mismanagement by the DNR?  Climate change? Aliens? Invasive species? Terrorists?  I think it may be a combination of all the above. Whatever the situation, there are many thousands of Minnesotans that depend of the Mille Lacs walleye fishery for their income or lifestyle, sometimes both.  And despite the fact that there are plenty of other species of fish to pursue in Mille Lacs–fish like perch, pike, muskies or bass, it is the ‘eyes that get all the attention.

And all eyes are on the DNR when it comes to an announcement of new regs for this lake.  It wasn’t that long ago when the state’s six fish limit was an obtainable goal here.  That six fish limit was changed to four, then two, then none.  Anglers out for the abbreviated ice season this winter were allowed one fish that had to be between 18 and 20 inches.  Guides, resort owners, and other local businesses are all feeling the impact of nobody out fishing the big lake.  Spring will soon be here, and many of us are awaiting what the powers at be of the DNR have in store for this year.   Carl and I met for coffee at The Zebra Mussel Diner in Isle last week, I was eager to get some insider information about the upcoming season.  Or lack thereof.  Carl and I go way back, and I knew I could count on him to bring me up to speed. I recorded our meeting, the conversation went like this:

ME:  So Carl, a lot of folks, both anglers and business owners, are nervous about how the 2016 walleye season on Mille Lacs is going to be regulated.  What can you tell me about new rules and regs for this year?

CARL:  What makes you think I’m going to tell you anything?  My phone has been ringing off the hook with calls from actual journalists.  I’m talking about calls from people like Matt Straw, Terry Tuma, Tim Lesmeister, even Ron Schara.  RON EFFING SCHARA is calling me, and you want the scoop?  You’re buying you know.

ME:  Hey, nice to see you too.  Now you know there is no one better to get the word out than me.  My blog is read by tens of anglers, some of them even claim to like it.  I’m not looking for all the details, just give me the broad strokes, you know, the highlights.  I’m hearing grumblings that there may not even be a walleye season…is that what you want me to tell everyone—that there will be no walleye season on Mille Lacs?  Oh, and your phone is ringing off the hook?  Who has their phone on a hook?

CARL:  Calm down, there absolutely will be a season. [Then there was mumbling I couldn’t understand, sounded like he was questioning my background and education] We have come up with a new plan that is bound to increase participation, increase the walleye population, and increase income and sales for many Minnesota businesses.  After long negotiations with several Minnesota companies, Mille Lacs anglers will be participating in the newest, most progressive concept in fisheries management ever thought of.

ME:  Yeah, progressive…that’s what Minnesota walleye anglers are looking for.  Why don’t you guys just stock more fish?  That seems to be a popular default answer for many of the outspoken ladies and gentlemen I see on TV.

CARL:  We are counting on Minnesota anglers being a little more open minded.  But believe it or not, stocking more fish is part of the plan.  Stocking fry or fingerling sized walleyes has never really shown any results.  But we always knew that if only we could stock the lake with “keeper” sized walleyes, like they do with trout in the streams, there would be an immediate and drastic improvement of the walleye population.  Growing walleyes to keeper size, around 14”, has always been cost prohibitive, so it’s never been done.  Until now.

ME:  Alright, this is starting to sound good.  You will be stocking walleyes, keeper walleyes, and there will be a season.  Will Mille Lacs be open for walleye fishing when the statewide fishing season starts in May?

CARL:  Yes, you will be able to um, go out on Mille Lacs when the season opens May 14.

ME:  That is great news.  What will the bag limit and size limit be?

CARL:  This is where things start to become a little more, uh, unusual…I guess you can say the limit will be five, with no size restrictions.

ME:  Really, five?  It’s been a bunch of years since you could keep five walleyes on Mille Lacs.

CARL:  Well, I never said anything about keeping five walleyes…like I said everyone needs to keep an open mind.  Getting this fishery to rebound will take some time, even with our new exciting plan.  And if the anglers are taking walleyes out at a rate faster than they are putting them in, we will be worse off than before.  The limit will be five, but you won’t be able to keep any.

ME:  So it will be what—a catch and release season where you are only allowed to catch and release five?

CARL:  Not quite.  Our statistics show that catch and release fishing, while seemingly without impact, will be too harmful to the population. We tried to come up with a plan that would allow fishing with barbless hooks, and even though our chief consultant Phillip Washington made some convincing points as to how a barbless catch and release season would work, we ultimately decided that anglers would not be able to figure it out, so we came up with something that will be fun for the anglers and still have no impact on the fishery.

ME:  So we can’t keep any fish, can’t even catch and release fish—what can we do?

CARL:  Underwater cameras have become very popular, and we decided that it would be best if anglers only viewed the walleyes with a camera, thereby eliminating all contact with the fish.  Of course, you would be free to make video recordings of the fish you see so you can enjoy them later, or even share the clips with friends on YouTube or Facebook.  Just make sure that once you have viewed five walleyes, you quit.  The limit for this season is five walleyes, any size, but they can only be seen, not caught.  DNR enforcement will be checking the recordings on your SD cards, so make sure you don’t go over your limit.

ME:  This started out sounding so good, but now that I’ve heard all the details, this sounds like a disaster.  Won’t all those “keeper-size” walleyes you guys are stocking help out right away?

CARL:  You missed one detail.  I said keeper walleyes were going to be stocked, but not by us—it is just too cost prohibitive.  It costs about $22 to grow a walleye to 14” and stock it in a lake, and we just don’t have the budget for it.  The walleyes will be stocked by all of you—the Mille Lacs anglers.  In fact it will be required that in order to fish on the Big Lake, you must bring one [or more] live walleye from a registered vendor, and release it into the lake before you launch your boat.

ME:  [blank stare]

CARL:  I’m sure you are wondering where the registered walleye vendors will be located—we have arranged for walleye vending machines to be installed at several popular bait shops surrounding the lake, and they all take credit cards.

ME: [blank stare]

CARL:  The walleye vending machines work like this—swipe your card, select the number of walleyes you want to purchase, hold your five gallon bucket under the chute, and pull the lever—instant walleye in the bucket.  Are you OK?  You’re not having a stroke or something are you?

ME:  Oh sorry, no, that just caught me by surprise, all these regs…I was thinking I would have good news for my readers, but now…well, I’m not sure what the average angler will think of this.

CARL:  I said these new regs would be progressive.  There have actually been similar plans used in Europe.

ME:  [blank stare]

CARL:  Quit doing that, it’s freaking me out.  And a blank stare can’t be heard on your little recorder.

ME:  Alright.  So for review, there will be a season, but in that season we can’t keep any walleyes.  And during that season, we can’t actually fish for walleyes, at least not with hook and line. But we can look at them on a camera, but we are only allowed to see five a day.  And we have to bring a live walleye, one we paid for, and stock it into the lake before we can launch a boat.  So the bag limit is actually negative one.

CARL:  You got it.  We think it is going to be popular.  J.C. Munchall from Nanook Underwater Cameras has already predicted record sales of their Mille Lacs Special camera—it has built in recording and has software that will calculate the length of the walleye on camera.  A software update scheduled for release this spring will also calculate the weight.  We may as well embrace the digital age.  Walleyes Unlimited have already scheduled a “Camera Only” tournament for June, and this event could get national coverage.  Now even vegans can participate in fishing tournaments!

ME: I think these new regs will be met with…resistance.  You know these fishermen will want to have some fish to bring home once in a while.  Or do you expect all the anglers on the lake to also turn vegan?

CARL:  We have thought of that, and we want everyone to be able to have a fish fry. Whenever an angler purchases a live walleye for stocking, he will get a coupon for 20 percent off of frozen tilapia fillets at any participating grocer.  Did you know tilapia are farm raised?  Eat all you want—they’ll make more!

ME:  I’m starting to hate you.  Let’s change topics…what about the muskie management of Mille Lacs, you have to admit this fishery is very popular, and continues to bring tourism to the area. It’s one of the only things still good about the lake.

CARL:  We are absolutely going to continue with the muskie program, with a few changes.  The muskies have done well in Mille Lacs, maybe too well.  There have just gotten to be too many big muskies in the lake—did you hear about the guy that caught a fifty pounder on a fly rod?  On a goddam effing fly rod!  If there are so many big muskies in the lake that even fly fishermen can catch them, it is definitely time to scale back. We are going to revert back to stocking “Shoepack” strain muskies.  They are native to Minnesota, but rarely get bigger than ten pounds.  We feel it is a much safer choice for the lake than the giant Leech Lake strain currently in there.

ME:  I’m glad you guys aren’t in charge of anywhere I regularly fish.

CARL:  Oh, and where do you fish nowadays?   ME:  You know, the usual spots like the Miss…..uh I mean…uh, Devils Lake North Dakota, yeah that’s it.  That’s where I fish now.  Devils Lake.  Now what about the smallmouth.  You have to admit that Mille Lacs is truly a world class smallmouth fishery.  I know lots of people, myself included, that have caught smallies six pounds or bigger here.  The Bassmasters are even coming here this summer for a big tournament.  Tell me you’re not going to mess with the smallmouth.

CARL:  Yeah, we’re going go ahead and do away with all smallmouth regulations.  Starting this year there will be no closed season, no size limit, and no bag limit.  It turns out all the Iowans that come up here like to eat them, and they do spend a lot of money at the casinos.  And they can’t tell the difference between a rock bass and a smallmouth, so rather than making things more confusing for them, we simplified it.

ME:  We’re done here. Check please!

 Suddenly the room started getting wavy and spinny, a doodly-doo doodly-doo doodly-do sound filled my ears…

And then I woke up in a cold sweat…it was all just a dream!

                                                  Carter Davenport’s “Behemoth”

“The giant tires on ‘Behemoth’ provide enough traction and floatation that I ride right over the top of the heavy stuff.   Lord Fletcher’s is providing parking for oversize vehicle enthusiasts like myself, and I can’t imagine going back to having a boat.”  He continued, “In a good year, there is a pretty good milfoil bridge that goes all the way to Big Island, so unless the DNR does something about the milfoil, Behemoth is the perfect water toy for me”.

Another nuisance is the zebra mussel. Zebra mussels are becoming worse every year, and their razor sharp shells have resulted in many accidental amputations.  You can’t talk to someone around a lake infested with zebra mussels without hearing a horror story of how someone close to them has lost a limb or worse.  They propagate so quickly that some lakes are actually filling in.  Some have theorized that White Bear Lake residents have illegally planted the zebra mussels, hoping their sheer numbers will displace enough water that the lake levels will rise to where they were 10 years ago, not to mention that the fear of falling into a bed of zebra mussels is enough to keep most boaters away.  We asked long time White Bear resident Barbara Thorndyke what she thought of zebra mussels being in her lake.  “I’ve never heard of such things, and furthermore, I really don’t care. Every time we try to have a nice get together with other members of the Lake Club, someone has to bring us all down with boring environmental talk.  If the lake were filled with these zebra things, or if there were no fish at all in this lake it would be fine with me, and I’m not alone.  All we want is to be able to gaze out on a quiet lake, free from all the clutter of boats”.  She pause as she took a sip from the drink her houseman had delivered moments before.  “I guess the sailboats are pretty, they can stay, but have you seen these sparkly abominations people fish from?  And don’t even get me started on their outfits.”

As if these two invasives aren’t bad enough already, University of Minnesota Biologist Ken Blankenship has confirmed what many thought impossible—the two species have actually begun to interbreed and have combined to form a new “super invasive” [cue scary music]—the Zebrafoil.  “We have rarely seen two completely distinct forms of life successfully hybridize”, explained Blankenship, ‘this just goes to show how tenacious and truly dangerous these things are.”  Zebrafoil has been confirmed in several Minnesota lakes already, and it’s only a matter of time before they spread to more. 

Global warming is another factor contributing to the spread of invasives.  We asked local Meteorologist Sven Sundgaard for comment, “There is no doubt that unless something is done to reverse climate change, it is only a matter of time before these invasives have filled all of our lakes and rivers.  We have more severe weather each year, and all it would take is an F5 or larger tornado to pass through an infested area, and the invasives would be sucked up and distributed into areas where they could have never reached.  Everyone laughed at the ‘Sharknado’ movies, but no one will be laughing when a Zebrafoilnado deposits a dose of invasives into Lake Itasca”.

The time to act is now, and nothing can be done without proper funding.  And like it or not, no one can raise money like celebrities, so the Minnesota DNR has partnered with the Screen Actors Guild and the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame to create a fundraiser like this state has never seen.  This June, get ready for the first annual “Celebrities Reject Alien Problem Species”, or CRAPS for short.  For one big weekend, select actors and musicians with a penchant for angling will be hosting a series of events at various Twin Cities locales.  All monies raised will go directly towards preventing the additional spread of invasive species.   The goal is to raise 17 million dollars, a lofty goal, but according to DNR spokesperson Becky-Angela Parkerstein-Harrison  ” There’s a lot of man hours that go into preventing invasive species from spreading, and these efforts require money—you have to design a website, print stickers, come up with catchy slogans, not to mention boat wash stations and roadside checkpoints.  There are 250 employees stationed at various accesses around the state, and while they accomplish nothing other than annoying law abiding anglers, they still have to get paid.  At least it makes it looks like we’re doing something.”   She continued, “The money we get from fines alone just isn’t cutting it, and while we were considering turning all public accesses into pay accesses, we decided that a big fundraiser might be the most popular.”

All events and seminars have not been finalized, but this is what has been scheduled so far.  For more information, be sure to use the hash tags shown after each event’s description.

Paris Hilton–Are you interested in increasing your casting distance by 20%?  Paris will be putting on a surfcasting demo at Calhoun Beach. When asked how she is such an expert on distance casting, she replied, “My Malibu beach house has pretty good fishing for leopard sharks and halibut in front of it, but if you don’t get your bait out past the breakers, it’s surf perch city.” A distance casting contest will follow, the winner gets to accompany Paris on a shopping spree to MOA. #fishingfashion

Henry Winkler–Popular actor and fly fishing author will make a presentation highlighting his many trout fishing trips across the country.  He will also be signing special additions of his fly fishing book, “I Never Met an Idiot on the River”.  Admission to this event is $10, but to be entered into a drawing for free tickets, be sure to follow us on Twitter with the hash tag #setthehookamundo.  Definitely two thumbs up for this.

Oprah Winfrey—”Fly Fishing and the Single Mom” is the title of a program Oprah will put on at the Downtown YMCA.  She will be revealing the new waders from Simms with zipper flaps to allow for breast feeding.  “How to Tie Flies with Items Found Around Your House” is another topic than will be covered.  Creative uses for pet fur, discarded undergarments, and shopping bags will be discussed and demonstrated.  Be sure to attend, and bring the kids–we’re told Oprah is planning a BIG giveaway. #womeninwaders

Roger Daltrey–Rock’s greatest vocalist is going to get vocal about how to prevent new invasives from showing up.  He should know–He has built and maintains his own private trout lakes in England, and so far the only invasives are the rainbow trout he  puts in there.  He also has the world record for fastest time filleting a fish.  You’re encouraged to bring your own fresh fish; Roger will fillet them for you, while singing an a’capella version of any song of your choosing.   #whoareyou

Roger Waters–Following his countryman’s lead, this Roger will describe how building a wall around your favorite body of water may be what is needed to keep the invasives out.  “We’re gonna start by building a wall along the Iowa border;  I’ve heard those striped whistlers are the worst invasives of all.” Mr. Waters is an avid angler, and will be giving a Powerpoint presentation of his fishing trips around the world, set to the backdrop of a recorded acoustic performance of Dark Side of the Moon.  #wedontneednoeducation

Prince—Prince will not be there. #whatsthesymbolformilfoil

Kevin Costner has challenged United States President Barack Obama to a fly casting contest.  We have long known that Mr. Costner is concerned for the environment, and President Obama addressed immigration, which is similar to invasive species issues, in his recent State of the Union Address.  Tickets to this event are $1,250.00 and include admission the casting contest, photo ops with both, and a dinner at Sea Salt, where the chefs have created some new menu items just for the night, including a salad of crisp milfoil sprigs tossed with a light vinaigrette, a zebra mussel ceviche, and carp tartar.  After dinner, The President will reveal his plan where some of the money from Obamacare will be routed into the anti-invasives fund. The loser of the casting contest will donate one million dollars to the fund and will have to go through the spanking machine,  #watchyourbackcastbarack

Ted Nugent –In an effort to add some political balance, everyone’s favorite outspoken outdoorsman will be hosting a bowfishing tournament where invasive Asian carp will be the target.  We’re not sure how successful this will be, or how the winner will be determined, since there are no invasive Asian carp in the state.  When asked, Ted said “You can’t be too careful, Asian carp are sneaky, just like Democrats.  Once they get established, you can’t get rid of the sonofabitches! ”  He kept the rant going, “If we spot one, you can be sure there will be no catch and release.”  We’re not totally sure if he meant carp or Democrats.  “If we can’t find any Asian carp to shoot, we’ll have to turn to turtles, squirrels, maybe woodpeckers.  One things for sure, something is going to have some arrows flung at it, so you tree huggin’ liberals better stay in the coffee shop!”  This event will take place as far away as is possible from the Costner/Obama event.  #strangleholdoninvasives

Dwayne Johnson—Everyone knows this star of the silver screen and the squared circle, he is also at home on the water, and is the host of the premier event of the weekend, the “Minnetonka Bass Smackdown”  a celebrity bass tournament.  Even though it is called the Minnetonka Bass Smackdown, the tournament will actually be held on Lake Harriet sine Minnetonka has become so infested that fishing there isn’t really an option.  To add awareness to the problem with invasives, no boats will be used in this event, as we wouldn’t want this tournament to actually contribute to the spread of evil, destructive, nasty, invasive species.  When asked for comment on invasive species, Dwayne quickly went into character, “You THINK your boat is clean!  You THINK your trailer has no weeds on it!  You THINK your livewell is empty!  Well don’t think for a minute that the Rock doesn’t know just what’s going on!  BRING your ‘foil! BRING your zebra mussels!  BRING your Asian carp! The Rock is going to take ’em all, turn ’em sideways, and stick ’em straight up your candy asses!”  Entry fee is $100 for adults, $10 for kids, and the winners get a role in an upcoming action/adventure film in which Dwayne portrays a state agent who is kept busy keeping his state free of invasive species.  Be prepared for hilarity when what appears to be a milk truck overturns on a bridge crossing a river, it turns out the milk truck is actually full of freshwater octopi en route to a seafood restaurant.  How will they keep them out of the river, and where will that last one turn up…?  #fishingforjabronis

In conclusion, it is crucial that all sportsman of our state plan on donating to and attending this monumental event.  There will be plenty for non anglers, kids, and the elderly as well, so bring everyone.  Public education, habitat improvement and common sense are obviously not going to stop this invasion. We will absolutely be looking for volunteers to help keep everything running smoothly at all the events. No matter your politics or beliefs, keeping invasives at bay is something we can all believe in.  For more info, go to the website www.celebritiesjointhepointlessfightagainstweedsandclams.org